Saturday, October 14, 2006

Hobbit courage

I've been feeling a bit like Samwise Gamgee lately. Last week, I killed a couple of black widow spiders at work that rather felt like Shelob to me. I hadn't known that we had them in the office, until one day a guy came to spray for them and my boss casually told me that he had seen them in the office late at night, when he went in to work (it's a converted garage right next to their house). They subsequently left for a convention, and I was left vacuuming up the dead bugs and killing a couple of spiders that decided to come out of hiding. I didn't even know black widows were common in this area until the spider-spraying guy gleefully told me that he's guaranteed to find at least one in every house in Ashland.

I hope that the one I found tonight right outside my door was my "one." At least it was smaller than the one at work, and I killed it with some cleaning spray. The one at work was arrayed in full splendor on part of the door frame when I came in Monday, and probably measured 3.5 inches in diameter (legs included). I just sat at my desk looking at it for a while until I finally got a large board and bashed it a few times, leaving spider gore everywhere. The other one at work lay there dead for a while until I disposed of it, I would go and look at it periodically (especially that red hourglass). I'm not usually bothered by spiders and bugs, but large, poisonous ones do get me going. It's really made me a bit more watchful and wary lately. I hadn't really known how scared I could be of things like that, but it makes me feel more brave for having had to face them.

Speaking of bravery, whenever I tell people that I've moved to Ashland without knowing anyone, they exclaim about how brave that is. I hadn't thought it was such a big deal to move far away, though of course I had some fears and doubts. I used to think I didn't have much self-confidence, but I guess it takes a lot to just move to a new place with no local resources and expect to do well. Surprisingly, or perhaps not, I have done well. I have a good job and a good place to live, will soon be getting insurance, and will also have my fiance to mold my future with. I'm grateful for my past circumstances which have allowed me the opportunity to succeed, as well as some spark in me that made me strike out on my own. I'm reminded of Bilbo's saying "It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to."

Though I seem to have my feet, it's true that I don't know exactly where I'm headed. I'm really weighing the midwifery business in my mind; is this the lifestyle for me? Can I handle it now, at this point in my life? How will it affect my family? Is there something else I would rather be doing? I'm glad that circumstances forced me to take a year off, because I really need to be at least somewhat sure of where I'm going. Various things appeal to me, but there is also fear about each. Being alone is forcing me to really examine these things, my emotions and my rationales. I think this is a valuable time for me.

Of course, that doesn't make me miss Daniel less. Tonight, as he is at a jazz gig, I was listening to my Jazz Nutcracker from two years ago and admiring the splendid clarinet playing. I'm such a lucky girl!

In other news, I did finish my sweater, am blocking it this weekend, and will hopefully have pictures next weekend!